A. continues the fight

We were well into the second song of the morning when A. stumbled in to worship, with a dozen apricot roses in a vase. I took them from her, placed them on the altar and led her to her chair next to mine. She is wiped out, physically and emotionally. Her cancer enzyme levels are high and she's in horrific pain, praying that she can have another chemo tomorrow. The pain meds that used to bring her relief for 8 hours now are only working for just a couple hours, and she thinks something has "changed" within her kidneys.

As difficult as it is to see her physical suffering, it is even more difficult to witness her spiritual trials. "I must have done something to make Jesus not love me any more," she whispers. "He doesn't come to me anymore. He doesn't hear me." (She hasn't had any more dreams recently.) "Every night I pray he come to me, but He doesn't." I try to reassure her, to be Christ to her, but it is a challenge for both of us.

According to the internet, "Doctors generally think a patient is doing very well if they are still alive two years after being diagnosed with stomach cancer that has spread. Fewer than 1 in 20 people (5%) live for at least 5 years if they have stage 4 stomach cancer when they are diagnosed."

A. is teaching me how important the difference is between optimism, hope and hope in Christ. (cf. Dr. Jerome Groopman, author of , The Anatomy of Hope: How People Prevail in the Face of Illness, http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/4269238/
I don't want to rob A. of hope in Christ; but I do want to guard her from mere optimism and point her to a fuller hope which is not just grounded in human volition. Groopman writes:

"I think the will to live is a very powerful force. It’s instinctual, it probably varies from person to person. Hope is different. It has a cognitive or informational component which involves gaining knowledge, learning, seeing what’s in front of you, and with that, making very deliberate choices. The will to live is very important, in terms of survival. Hope is a higher function. You need both, for sure. If you don’t have a will to live, it’s very hard to find hope."

Groopman was asked: "When a patient feels more in control do you think it helps? Or are there instances when feeling in control can’t help?

"Having control potentially can help clinically in terms of outcome, but it may not. Again, it’s not a magic wand where you switch it on like a light. Still, having a sense of control is extremely beneficial in terms of lowering fear and anxiety and being able to make choices. There is a whole other dimension to hope, though. The very last line of the book says, “For those who have hope, it may help some to live longer, and it will help all to live better.” When you have a sense of control, when you’ve made choices and you don’t feel totally at the mercy of those around you, it can give a person enormous comfort and strength and equilibrium in facing very difficult circumstances.

The question of course is a philosophical one: what is hope? Is it the ability to choose or the conviction that one has been chosen? One will focus on doing something according to some formula, the other will focus on being in a relationship. One will focus on the self as agent; the other will focus on God as agent. One can only end in frustration; the other leads to life and love.

Psalm 33

18 But the eyes of the LORD are on those who fear him,
on those whose hope is in his unfailing love,

19 to deliver them from death
and keep them alive in famine.

20 We wait in hope for the LORD;
he is our help and our shield.

21 In him our hearts rejoice,
for we trust in his holy name.

22 May your unfailing love rest upon us, O LORD,
even as we put our hope in you.